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Talk is Cheap
During my ex-husband’s first affair – he had five that I’m aware of, if you count the two women he never met face-to-face but had phone sex with on a regular basis – I finally got fed up and decided to kill the phone in our kitchen/dining area so he would not be able to call the object of his rather dubious affections at night after I’d gone to bed (the only other phone in the house was in our bedroom; this was before cordless phones were so ubiquitous and long before cell phones). I grabbed a hammer and went to the phone, prepared to bash the ever-living shit out of it, when he grabbed it from me and slammed it down on the counter.
He caught his thumb underneath the claw-end; blood immediately began to gush everywhere. I stood there, gawking – he looked down, then looked back at me and shouted:
“See what you did!!”
See what you did. That moment pretty much defined our marriage. Oh, there were other, similar, incidents – the time the wind slammed our heavy, wooden front door on the fingers of my right hand and he yelled at me, telling me how stupid I was to allow that to happen, immediately comes to mind. He was afraid I’d broken them, you see – I was between jobs at the time and had an interview in a couple of days that included a typing and 10-key test.
He refused to look for work.
Ridiculed, belittled and emotionally abused frequently and physically abused occasionally for almost our entire marriage, it was particularly bad the last 2 years, after both kids were in school and the infidelities really ramped up – two things that just happened to coincide with his decision to be an Actor (yes, with a fucking capital A). It became clear, to him anyway, that my sole purpose in life was to support him, physically, financially and emotionally.
I got none in return. I suffered from severe, acute anemia, bulimia, bouts of depression and irritable bowel syndrome for much of our marriage – with the exception of the IBS, he was completely unaware of my health issues, and the IBS was just an annoyance as far as he was concerned; he certainly never encouraged me to seek medical attention. I was told on an almost daily basis how stupid I was, how worthless I was, how how unworthy, blah blah blah blah blah.
He also told me he loved me. Every day, often several times a day.
Beloved is always available to listen to me, even when he’s out of town on business. He is strong, steady and calm in moments of crisis. When I finally went to the doctor to be diagnosed and treated for the above-mentioned problems, he was right there with me, often in the office if he was allowed – while he may not have understood my fear and distrust of doctors, he was certainly aware of it and did everything he could to mitigate it.
He is indulgent and generous almost to a fault – there is little that I could wish for that I do not have. He is supportive and encouraging of my endeavors and takes an interest in what I take an interest in. If he doesn’t understand my quirks or oddities, he is certainly forbearing (and often amused) by them.
He is hard-working and never shies away from his responsibilities to his business or his family. While he could be described as stubborn or pig-headed, he can always be depended on to know what needs to be done and then to do it. He could also be described as opinionated, but he is unshakable in his convictions and unafraid to live, or be judged, by those convictions. He meets life head-on and often with a single-mindedness that can be awe-inspiring.
He does not cry easily, but is unafraid to show affection openly. He is sensitive without being weak. He takes a great deal of pleasure in our emotional relationship as well as our physical one. He is a loving and involved father and husband. He is, in fact, the most happily domestic man I’ve ever met.
He doesn’t tell me he loves me very often. He doesn’t have to – he’s too busy showing me.
For more “I Love You” posts, visit Sprite’s Keeper and the Spin Cycle.
Oh my! Are we twins? Because this story sounds a lot like my life without the affairs. Of course, my Ex may have been having them but I didn’t know about it. And we both got second wonderful husbands.
Micheles last blog post..I just can’t make this totally wordless.
Jan, I wish you’d never gone through any of it, never seen that kind of abuse and self doubt. Beloved is a lucky man to have found a partner with your strength, conviction and life lessons. Together I’m sure you make an amazing team and I’m thankful you have a man in your life who’s your friend and who sees the beauty of your soul.
Tricias last blog post..There’s a Pedophile at My Pool
Jan, you are a living testament to the truth of the saying, that which does not kill you makes you strong. And I would like to suggest that Beloved just might be a keeper ;o)
Tessas last blog post..Thy Tears Might Cease
Thanks dear – that’s sweet. I love you!
So sorry you had to go through so much junk in life before finding the love of your life… took me a 2nd marriage also before finding a man worth my love and I his. It’s sort of like being a survivor isn’t it/
I’m happy for you that ‘true’ love knocked on your door this time.
Di
The Blue Ridge Gal
Dis last blog post..City Girl
Ha! He said it! Right in the comments!
You are truly blessed to have Beloved and your ex can completely …. never mind.
The first half of your post made me want to kick something, preferably him, the second half made me cry. You do that a bit to me, you know?
You’re linked!
Sprite’s Keepers last blog post..I want my Mommy.
Actions speak much much louder than words. How fortunate we are to have met men who walk the talk – rather than just talk. Beloved is a gem, but you already know that.
Nothing Fancys last blog post..What Was I Thinking?
So glad you got out of that abusive relationship, scratch that, abusive situation. I experienced just a tad of what you did in a 3 year relationship many years ago and knew it would never happen again.
Your Beloved sounds heavenly and just what you needed; so glad you found each other.
Jane Gastons last blog post..6+6+6
Sounds like a match made in Heaven! Congratulations on finding each other.
Lindas last blog post..I’m Drinking Cat’s Phee
At least you got 2 good things from that slimy rat fuck bastard
And I am very lucky to have such an amazing step father who makes my Mommy so happy
Well, I was all prepared to repeat all of the above and then I got to DarlingDaughter’s comment and now I can’t keep my damn eyes from leaking.
Smart Mouth Broads last blog post..I GOT NOTHIN’
Hmm, I think we married the same man the first time around… But the second time was a charm for both of us. Glad to hear you live through the worst to appreciate the best.
Mama Badgers last blog post..A Spin on Saying (deep breath, gulp) "I love you."
I am a sucker for a story with a happy ending. You spin so well my friend. And i loved your daughter’s comment. I take it the slimy rat fuck bastard is only worse these days…
Pseudos last blog post..Spin Cycle: I Love You, Ba-Bye
Can’t believe you went thru all that. Yet you found Beloved. Gives me great hope.
You are one strong woman.
Maureen at IslandRoars last blog post..Pets
I”m just glad you have Beloved. Has he read your little tribute?
There’s a definite difference there, eh? I’m so glad you found someone who suits you better. Thanks for the good spin!
Camilles last blog post..Those Three Words
Aaaa, those second husband are amazing. Good for you (and him too) that you found each other. I really love the last sentence. That is what love is all about.
Rebeccas last blog post..Like Mother, Like Daughter
Your first husband was a selfish little boy.
It took a lot of strength to live through your first marriage…and even more strength to leave it.
Beloved is a true man in every sense of the word. He is your blessing…and you are his.
Monicas last blog post..Spring is fading….
It’s so true. I’d rather someone showed they loved me than told me they loved me. You can only judge a man by his actions, not his words.
Some time I’d like to talk with you about how you’ve changed, why you once accepted what he said and now you wouldn’t stand for it. My ex-husband put me down a lot. I’m glad I was only with him 3 years, but even now I wonder how I got into that place, where he could put me down and I accepted it. It’s a gradual process, if someone told me I was fat on a first date I wouldn’t see them again, so why was it OK then? I don’t know, I hope I can prevent ever getting to that stage again in another relationship, if there is something I should be doing to stop being treated like that. Or maybe it had nothing to do with me. Somedays I’m still pretty confused.
SSGs last blog post..Hello lovely people
Awwwwwwww! What a great, wonderful, fantabulous post. Loved every single word of it!
Twenty Four At Hearts last blog post..My Hole Gave Birth to a Monster
You are very brave to post that, and I am so glad you did. Now I don’t have to, since it would all be so repetitious. The difference is that I married one of those, then married another with all the same qualities (the second was more fun, bot more violent)and then married a nice but self absorbed alcoholic. I didn’t get to the ideal man until I reached the age of 74! We have had 3 wonderful years, and are hoping for several more before one of us checks out. The one way yours is better than mine is that he puts lovely comments on your blog. Lucky girl.
Anne Giberts last blog post..Manley Hot Springs, past and present
After reading that, I want to get my hammer and bash that ahole’s face in. I’m so sorry you had to deal with that crap but I’m glad you found one of the good guys on your second go round.
Your ex sounds a lot like my ex, only in it for himself, couldn’t keep his junk in his pants and just an all around jerk. Fun times.
Caseys last blog post..Spin Cycle: Love Hurts
Super post, Need to mark it on Digg
Thank you
I’m glad you found the real thing the second time around. Great spin!
Joanie Ms last blog post..Keepsake Blog Award
That’s karma. You’re a lucky girl to have “Beloved.”
Thanks for dropping by. & excellent spin
iambellalunas last blog post..I Feel Robbed: Jon & Kate+8=Suck!
Yeah my ex was an asshole too. Pardon the ugly word. But without his crap I’m not so sure I would appreciate The Boyfriend as much as I do now!
GiGi @ Incrementums last blog post..It’s Friday!!! OMG!
My first husband was the same way. He probably said “I love you” two or three times every day. I guess he thought that made up for cheating on me, lying to me, punching me in the face, not paying our bills, screaming at me in public (at church, actually)belittling me in front of family and friends, refusing to let me go to the Doctor, threatening to kill my dog and treating our middle son as if he were not part of the family. Yeah, fun times.
Thanks for posting this, Jan. It’s nice to know that I’m not the only woman that was married to a slimy rat fuck bastard.
As far as my second husband goes….I consider him my prize for everything I went through. Like your Beloved, he shows me a hundred different ways, every day, from my cup of coffee that he brings to me in bed every morning to my kiss goodnight, that he loves me and cherishes me.
Gingers last blog post..A Flower (Macro Monday)