The Last Acceptable Prejudice in America

The Last Acceptable Prejudice in America

Fat I once got into an argument with my mother. She was berating me about my weight – an all too common occurrence. I told her that losing weight wouldn’t make me a better mother or wife or person.

“Yes, it will,” she said.

I lost weight – again; the only thing it accomplished was to make me a better person in HER eyes (but still not good enough; never, ever quite good enough). It was, however, one of the many nails in the coffin of my failing marriage (that the weight loss coincided with the first affair was anything but a coincidence).

I’ve lost quite a bit of weight over the course of my life. Several times. People who have never had a real weight problem can never understand that.

I have been told that all I needed to do was eat less and exercise more. Wrong. If you think that’s my problem, you are so way off base it’s not even funny. I do not overeat; I do not stuff cream puffs down my throat. Not by a long shot. I have, in the past, been afraid of eating. There was a time I was so afraid gaining weight that I threw up three times a day, every day, doing irreparable damage to my esophagus and teeth.

Nor am I some sort of instant gratification junkie. I certainly don’t need everything and I certainly don’t need it now. I spent nearly 20 years without a vehicle because I couldn’t afford one. I never owned my own home until I was in my 40s. I have gone without many of the necessities in life, including health care and decent clothing, for an extended period of time and I didn’t go right out and start buying all I could the minute I could afford it.

I can’t turn on a television or open a magazine without being reminded that I am too short, too short-waisted, too big-busted, too “hippy” to possess any real beauty. My talents and intelligence are completely inconsequential. YES, THEY ARE. Look around you – all of the “successful” women are physically beautiful by today’s standards. The one possible exception is Oprah, and isn’t SHE raked over the coals every time she starts putting weight back on. You know, I can’t remember the last time I read anything about how Ms. Winfrey is a self-made woman, overcoming the poverty and abuse of her childhood to become one of the wealthiest and most powerful people in the entertainment industry. But you can’t pass a damn magazine that isn’t carrying on about her latest weight gain.

Am I far too sedentary? Indeed I am. I have a sedentary job and my favorite pastimes (mostly) include sitting. There’s also the small problem that the only exercise I truly enjoy is swimming, and we no longer have a pool. However, having said that, if you think I’m going to go join a gym or even the local Y so I can swim, you’re crazy. I joined a gym once; a completely demoralizing experience. The women (the pretty, in-shape women) who used the gym treated me like shit. I stopped going not because I was lazy or unmotivated to exercise, but because I was tired of the sneers and snickers and the cold shoulders and the all-too-audible whispers of “What is SHE doing here?”

Oh, and Weight Watchers? That place that is often stuffed with women desperate to lose 5 whole pounds? The first time I joined Weight Watchers, I was called up to the front of the meeting to receive a ribbon for losing 60 pounds (I needed to lose another 40 or so). Wonderful, you might think. Recognition! Accolades! How about disdain when I went back to my seat by the three other women who said to me, “Boy, you must have REALLY been fat when you started.”

Would I be healthier if I were thinner (I know how my body is put together; I will never be thin unless I starve myself)? Sure I would. But I was given diuretics and appetite suppressants by a doctor when I was 12. I was given speed by my mother at 16. I became bulemic at 28. I became damn near anorexic at 37. I put myself on the Kimkins diet at 45, which began to lead to laxative abuse. How healthy is any of that?

I have struggled with my weight every single day of my life. Every. Single. Day. I have been ridiculed. I have been sneered at. I have been laughed at. I have been ignored. I have been abused. I have been called ugly. Stupid. Worthless. Lazy. Selfish. People who would rather rip out their own tongues than utter a racial epithet or take another person to task over their religion or sexual orientation have absolutely no problem throwing down on the fat folk. In a society absolutely rife with political correctness, fat bashing is truly the last acceptable prejudice.

I learned at a very young age to loathe my body and hate myself. Too feel ugly, stupid and worthless. And you know what? Despite the mass collective consciousness that takes over every friend and family member of a dieter to subtly (or not so subtly) undermine and/or sabotage their efforts, I don’t want you to stop eating your cookies in front of me. And I really don’t want your pity. What I DO want is the acknowledgment that my worth as a human being is not defined by a number on a scale.

This week’s Spin Cycle is a free-for-all. I am now putting away my soap box and will return to my regularly scheduled drivel tomorrow.

This entry was written by Jan, posted on November 11, 2009 at 5:00 am, filed under Diet and Nutrition, Schtuff That Drives Me Bananas, Spin Cycle and tagged rants. Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post. Post a comment or leave a trackback: Trackback URL.

53 Comments

Michele

Posted November 11, 2009 at 7:24 am | Permalink

My theory on weight is that everyone’s normal weight is different. If you are a happy person that feels good and it is not causing health problems than that is how much you should weigh.
Michele´s last blog ..Friends in Need
Mama Badger

Posted November 11, 2009 at 8:31 am | Permalink

Let me start by apologizing. My post yesterday was far to caustic and off hand. I’m sorry if it hurt your feelings, or made you mad. That would not ever by my intent.

You are one of the people I understand has an actual weight problem. And it sounds like you’ve had it all your life. My older brother has had many of the same experiences you have. I can remember people taunting him when he was only 6 or 7.

Which is why the people who don’t have a real issue get under my skin. People who have really just “let themselves go”, and want everyone else to think it’s something else, and epidemic of astronomic proportions. The people who lament not being the size 4 they were back in their 20s. Those women at your Weight Watchers group. People like that take away the seriousness of a real “weight problem”.

And please don’t think I would pity anyone with any kind of health or life issue. I’ll support you, understand you and help in any way I can. But I won’t pity you.
Mama Badger´s last blog ..Random Tuesday Thoughts- I’m baaaack…
Be

Posted November 11, 2009 at 8:37 am | Permalink

It is very true that it is still acceptable racism. Plain and simple – it is racism. Not only that it is doubly compounded by sexism – men aren’t as put upon for weight issues as women. Besides all that, the culture of thin really is disgusting: models are down right anorexic and not only do I personally find that unappealing it is a hell of a lot more hazardous to one’s health than a few extra pounds. The scary part is what we are teaching our daughters about self image.

Dear, I know how much this bothers you and rightly so. But I also know, appreciate and love you for your strengths and those are what are important to your self image and image in my eyes, your family’s and your friends. To hell with the narrow minded cretins!

Besides, you’re HAWT! Woot Woot!
Sprite's Keeper

Posted November 11, 2009 at 9:05 am | Permalink

You are one of my favorite bloggers and it has nothing to do with what you look like. It has EVERYTHING to do with your mind. And your mind is one of the fittest I’ve seen when it comes to writing.
I have had a weight “problem” off and on my entire life so I can relate. I can’t relate to bulimia since I have this thing against throwing up and skinny jeans would never bring me to it. Now, right now, I am still considered big for my “range” where every woman is supposed to have been since the 60’s. But I don’t care. I eat well, I exercise (on my treadmill at home), I have a wonderful marriage. I am healthy. I don’t need to work for that brass ring. I just have to maintain what makes me happy. I am happy. If I don’t lose another pound in my life, I’m still happy. And it only took years of yo yo dieting and one epiphany of standing in front of the mirror and thinking I like what I see to get me here.
You are brave. And you are linked.
Much love!
Sprite’s Keeper´s last blog ..Too Smart For Strangers
Lori

Posted November 11, 2009 at 9:06 am | Permalink

Bravo…Bravo….Bravo!!! You are so flippin right Jan! Finally, someone else saying what I’ve been thinking and saying about this subject for years. You are so right when you say that this is acceptable racism. And the ugliness of it needs to be exposed.

As I read each sentence I felt your pain and all I wanted to do was give you a hug. It makes me sad to my core to know how you have felt about yourself. As I cheered you on in your ability to say this so well, tears for you and all people that have felt this way or feel this way now came to me. And then I read your Beloved’s comment and cried some more.

You brave beautiful woman…thank you for sharing your story and for exposing this ugly truth for what it is. I am sorry that you have suffered all these years instead of being able to celebrate the beauty that is you.

Great post written with your beautiful amazing voice. Bravo! XXOO Lori
Lori´s last blog ..Randomness
~The South Dakota Co

Posted November 11, 2009 at 10:07 am | Permalink

This was so well-written and so well-said. And you’re right- as women we are barraged with what society or the *powers that be* view as beautiful.

Sometimes it makes me wonder how my bf really can see me as pretty or fit or not fat or what have you, when everywhere you turn there are women wearing slinky dresses and pulling it off.

It’s all about being comfortable in your own skin, and I’m still learning that. Maybe if I hang out here long enough, I’ll get it down. Pat.
~The South Dakota Co´s last blog ..Thirty Days of Thanksgiving
Leslie

Posted November 11, 2009 at 10:22 am | Permalink

This is one big pity party. Not once in this article did I read that you took responsibility for your life choices. All you do is complain about how everyone else makes you feel. Have you ever thought that it was your own insecurities that made you think people are sneering at you? Maybe it has nothing to do with you. Maybe they just had an argument with a loved one or simply had a bad day. Besides, why do you care what others think? All you can do is be responsible for your own actions. You didn’t mention one healthy effort that you made to be at a “normal”, healthy weight. It is all drugs and eating disorders. And the only exercise you like is swimming, but yet you won’t join a fitness center to do it? The bottom line is, people who exercise regularly (and are at a healthy weight) feel better, are more active, more social and therefore live more fulfilling lives. THAT should be your goal.
Ellie Belen

Posted November 11, 2009 at 10:31 am | Permalink

My contention is that as long as you are healthy and workout for health reasons, that is all that is required. To me that means keeping your back strong, your arms strong, your core strong. Staying strong is more important than losing weight. Losing weight for health means keeping diabetes at bay, giving your heart a break, giving your knees and feet a break, and keeping that awful plague out of your veins. If you are doing that, then I say keep that lovely romanesque and grecian figure, because baby, it is still hot!
Ellie Belen´s last blog ..Random Germ-y Family Affairs
Jan

Posted November 11, 2009 at 10:39 am | Permalink

Mama Badger, thank you very much for your gracious reply. I know you didn’t mean to hurt anyone’s feelings or make them mad. I wasn’t really mad or suffering from hurt feelings – more indignant, I think, than anything. It’s a hot button issue with me; it always has been, always will be. Again, thank you.

Leslie, thank YOU for your comment as well. You just illustrated my point far better than I ever could. Just to think, all the finger pointing and laughter and ugly remarks and ridicule, day after day, week after week, year after year can simply be put down to my insecurities and/or other people having a bad day. And nope – never ONCE did anything to try and control my weight in a healthy manner; the joining WW and going to the gym, just another day in the lifelong pity party.
Leslie

Posted November 11, 2009 at 10:53 am | Permalink

You know, Jan, we all have insecurities. Your sarcastic response further illustrates why you have the problems you do. It’s still all about pity for you and how none of this is your fault. I’m sorry that you have endured such hatred your entire life. But let me just enlighten you for a moment. We (women) have all had fingers pointed at us, sometimes for things we can control such as being too successful or too lazy, too skinny or too fat, too smart or not smart enough, too promiscous or too prude. But also for things we cannot, such as too tall or too short, too blonde or not blonde enough, too pretty or too ugly, too small chested or too big chested, too dark or too white. Each person’s sensitivity on each matter is different. That’s why we control the things we can and make the best of the things we cannot. In my opinion (it is also the generally accepted opinion), we can control our weight. As an aside, we also can control our happiness…and you are clearly unhappy with your weight.
Leslie

Posted November 11, 2009 at 10:54 am | Permalink

And instead of taking action for a happier, more fulfilled life, you appear to take the easy road–let’s just blame everyone else.
Pseudo

Posted November 11, 2009 at 11:13 am | Permalink

Where the eff did Leslie come from?

Jan, your post was powerful and choked me up with tears. My beautiful 20 year old daughter has always (since 6/7) been a bigger girl and struggled with weight issues. She started getting picked on at 10 in school by bitchy, catty, superficial bitches on trainng wheels. I’d say you would not guess the horrible things they said to her, but I bet you do.

As a music major and community theatre person, she has not been considered for lead roles over and over. she has been told it is because of her weight, her voice is pitch perfect and her acting abilities dead on.

Yes, many people who would never, ever want to be un PC with race have no problem being downright rude and mean spirited to peopel with weight problems.

I think one of the reasons I feel I love my blogger friends so and that we get to know each other on another level is that it is withuot the trappings of physical superficiality.
Pseudo´s last blog ..Winners, Whiners, and Wisecracks
LPC

Posted November 11, 2009 at 11:17 am | Permalink

Oh gosh. Why on earth be mean? Jan, to me, you have the greatest, warmest, funniest, voice. Not to mention smart. Your weight is your business. And it should be about health and your own self-affection. My main reaction to your post is reaffirmation of how much I like you, and anger towards your mother. I am sure, however, that were I your IRL friend, I would also be encouraging you to change your diet and exercise patterns. For health, even if it wasn’t a self-affection sort of goal. I’d encourage you because I too was bulemic, as a girl. I too struggle with my weight every day and I’m within societal boundaries for my height and age. Doesn’t mean it’s not a struggle. For all of us. Living in America makes it hard not to be overweight. I eat less than I want to all the time. But I had a supportive mother. And I live in California, where we exercise and eat a lot of lettuce. So most of all it is not for me to feel smug, and if I ever made anyone feel bad about their own choices, well, you could shoot me. You are not your weight. You are Jan. And I follow you. So there.
LPC´s last blog ..Getting Away For The Weekend, Nonchalantly
jenni

Posted November 11, 2009 at 11:25 am | Permalink

great post Jan. I acknowledge your worth, and I hope you do as well.
jenni´s last blog ..Miles Goes Guerilla: A Photo Montage
Jan

Posted November 11, 2009 at 11:28 am | Permalink

Leslie, have you ever read anything else I’ve ever posted on this blog? You’re more than welcome to, of course, but you might not want to; it would be such a shame for you to have to redefine your view of me.

Your opinion is the generally accepted opinion? Oh, I know it is! That the earth was flat and the center of the universe was also generally accepted opinion at one time. You seem determined to ignore the entire point of this post, which is fine (to give you a hint: read the last sentence). I could argue this all day, but I have an inkling that it wouldn’t do a bit of good. So this will be my last response to you; you can have at it some more if you want, I won’t stop you. You’ve done more to improve my mood today than anything else, so I thank you.
Tricia

Posted November 11, 2009 at 11:29 am | Permalink

This made me weep…for you, for my mom, for every person who’s had to endure social ridicule and who feels judged by our physical attributes instead of our hearts and minds. I adore you; I never want you to be in pain or to suffer. Thank you for this post, for your tell-it-like-it-is honesty, and I wish I had even half the strength, self determination and resilience you have.

This commentator, Leslie, who finds it acceptable to spew ugliness and crap all over such an honest post … well, I’ll never understand why women choose to tear other women down like that. Completely uncalled for, cruel and only serves to make your point.
Tricia´s last blog ..Falling Out of Love
Linda Tustin

Posted November 11, 2009 at 11:51 am | Permalink

Jan, I know who you are. I know what you are worth. Believe me it has nothing to do with the skin you are in.

I struggle with weight myself and sometimes I know it feels like there is absolutely no correlation between what I put in my mouth and what I weigh.

You are a far far better person than anyone who might swoop in here like a troll and TRY to take you down a notch.

(((((((hugs)))))))- you have helped me in my life- thank you
Leslie

Posted November 11, 2009 at 11:58 am | Permalink

Because I don’t agree with your opinion, I am tearing you down? I am not at all an ugly person (and I’m speaking of my inside). I am very loving and accepting. I’m not saying I don’t accept you–or anyone–for who they are. I’m simply challenging you to be a happier person, which will in turn help make the rest of the world a happier place to live in. I would encourage you to re-read your post.

“Am I far too sedentary? Indeed I am. I have a sedentary job and my favorite pastimes (mostly) include sitting.”

“There’s also the small problem that the only exercise I truly enjoy is swimming, and we no longer have a pool. However, having said that, if you think I’m going to go join a gym or even the local Y so I can swim, you’re crazy.”

“Would I be healthier if I were thinner? Sure I would.”

“I learned at a very young age to loathe my body and hate myself. Too feel ugly, stupid and worthless.”

So before you blame “me” for your bad moods or sour days, I would take a look at what you are doing to yourself.

I have no idea how heavy you are. Nor do you have any idea how heavy I am. But I know when I see someone exercising, regardless of their size, I praise them for taking care of themselves. I do not ridicule them.

At the end of the day, I hope you find happiness…at any size.
Leslie

Posted November 11, 2009 at 12:08 pm | Permalink

And furthermore, you are are judging people (those who only want to lose 5 pounds and those who try to look like “in shape” magazine). The exact thing you are asking others not to do of you. This world would be a better place if people would take ownership of their actions and not judge others.
Leslie

Posted November 11, 2009 at 12:10 pm | Permalink

AND all of you are judging and accosting me. So hypocritical.
Gretchen

Posted November 11, 2009 at 12:14 pm | Permalink

The greatest thing about this blogging world is that we all get to know and love each other without having a clue (other than a 1X1 inch picture) what anybody looks like. I’m also an actress, and that world is ALL about the external. It can really mess with your head. I love this crazy blog world where nobody looks AT you, just IN you.
Linda

Posted November 11, 2009 at 12:19 pm | Permalink

I can relate to this post but at the other end of the scale. I was that skinny bitch who could eat anything and not gain an ounce. People always seemed compelled to comment on how I was ‘nothing but skin & bones’ or ‘why don’t you eat a couple dozen donuts or something?’ WTF? What business is it of theirs what I weigh or how much I do or don’t eat?? My weight didn’t and still doesn’t change WHO I am. Nor does it decide who you are Jan. IMHO: You’re AWESOME!
Linda´s last blog ..Next up:
Maureen@IslandRoar

Posted November 11, 2009 at 12:40 pm | Permalink

Jan, being in this blogging world with you for the last 7 months, I have found you to be a sincerely kind and generous person. As well as clever and smart.
I am considered thin, but I struggled with body issues as a teen because my mom (who has weight issues) passed this along and noted every pound I gained as a “warning,” because, as you said, she equates weight loss with happiness.
People should do something, even just walk, to keep their hearts and minds healthy, and stave off diabetes, that type of thing. But our society is obsessed with skinny-ness. I have heard perfectly nice people say awful things about heavier folks, that whole “self-discipline” thing. It shocks the hell out of me; how is that okay?? Who the hell are they to judge? My daughter was born with muscle weakness in her trunk. No matter how much she exercises, she carries weight there. Her metabolism is also quite slow. I know people judge her, think they know she could do better. I’d like to throttle them, tell them her story. But F ‘em. F’em all! I also found, practically the day I turned 40, I suddenly couldn’t eat like a normal person. To maintain the weight I wanted I eat very little. If I eat “normal,” the way I did at even 39, I gain weight. So anyone who thinks we all have control over this “if we only try,” is full of crap.
It’s so disheartening to see how mean-spirited some people can be. That they think they know better. I hate Hate how judgmental we all are. It’s the one thing I strive every day not to be.
You have obviously touched a deep chord in a lot of people and I think that’s wonderful. I’m honored to be your bloggy friend, and I agree with Pseudo: it’s so nice to be in a world where no one can see us. In July, I hesitated to put up a photo of myself in the Reunion Dress. I was afraid people might hate me cuz I was thin. Really, I was. Then I said F it. You’re either going to like me for me or you’re not worth it. Right? Right.
I love you woman!
Maureen@IslandRoar´s last blog ..At A Loss (part one)
Twenty Four At Heart

Posted November 11, 2009 at 1:48 pm | Permalink

Well Jan … you know I love you. I also would love to sit down for a chat with Leslie. Leslie? Seriously – contact me. Or? Maybe not. Since I’ve recently had to deal with a persistent troll, a stalker and even a *friend* who is not one, maybe I should not have a conversation with Leslie?

The wonderful thing about blogging is we have the opportunity to fall in love with people based on their writing, their thoughts, their sense of humor, their minds … without any preconceived notions or biases based on race, gender, or physical descriptions or limitations. As we get to know people we realize how none of those thing matter in the least anyway.

I loved you from the moment I began blogging. We have shared struggles we’ve had with our weight as well as with our lives. It would not matter to me if you weighed 1000 pounds and had eight arms with thirty fingers on each hand. It would not matter to me if you were an 80 pound model. I love Jan because I love Jan. The end.
Twenty Four At Heart´s last blog ..I Might Be a Little Stabby
Erin

Posted November 11, 2009 at 2:28 pm | Permalink

The first thing I think when I read this is how thankful I am for the blogging community because of the social outlet it provides for our minds. I think a few of your commenters have touched on this.
Also – clearly you are and amazingly talented, intelligent and beautiful person – it comes through in your writing everyday. (I’ve only seen your photo recently and of course you look beautiful too.)
In my family, weight is an issue with all of us – we have a mom with some significant body image issues and she has handed them down. I am of the mind that I’m healthy at my weight and want to lead a moderate life. I exercise and eat well. I will never be in single digit sizes and I don’t see that as a sign of success – I’d rather focus on other things.
It is sad that so many people get tied up in image when it does not mean a whole heck of a lot.
And how the eff did you end up with a troll on your sweet blog?? Really?
xoxoxo Jan, love ya.
Erin´s last blog ..where the air is sweet
Twenty Four At Heart

Posted November 11, 2009 at 2:33 pm | Permalink

Let’s see how many comments Jan can get today! Yay Jan! So I just got an email from “Leslie” whose email address says her name is actually Rochelle Royale. (Although that may not be her real name either.) I hate to feed the trolls because that is what they LIVE for … as evidenced by the fact she keeps checking back to see what people are saying about her and adding more comments. She LOVES the attention! Anyway, this is what her email said to me:

“This is Leslie. What exactly is it you need to contact me about?? Are you intentionally threatening me on a public site??”

Is it threatening someone to say you’d like to chat with them? I think not. I think Leslie/Rochelle needs to see a shrink and figure out why she wants all this attention. Also, I’m sorry for “feeding the troll” Jan, but I thought your readers would be interested in this little tidbit.
Twenty Four At Heart´s last blog ..I Might Be a Little Stabby
Leslie

Posted November 11, 2009 at 2:42 pm | Permalink

Honey, we can have this convo on someone’s public site if you want. You’re the one who asked me to contact you. 24 at heart?? Try 4.

“I also would love to sit down for a chat with Leslie. Leslie? Seriously – contact me. Or? Maybe not. Since I’ve recently had to deal with a persistent troll, a stalker and even a *friend* who is not one, maybe I should not have a conversation with Leslie?”

The above is quite combative. Now please, tell me what it is you would like to chat with me about. I read your post today. Seems like you, along with many others on here, LOVE to complain. Geez.
Leslie

Posted November 11, 2009 at 2:43 pm | Permalink

“I might be a little stabby” is a stretch. haha
Leslie

Posted November 11, 2009 at 2:45 pm | Permalink

p.s. I’m not a troll. A friend actually FORWARDED this link to me. Ridiculous. If someone would like to contact me further. Please do. My name is Leslie. My pen name is Rochelle Royale. No one is hiding here.
Linda Tustin

Posted November 11, 2009 at 4:04 pm | Permalink

Rochelle- You are a bit “full” of yourself aren’t you. Interesting pen name. Is that your “stripper name” too?
Midlife Slices

Posted November 11, 2009 at 4:33 pm | Permalink

Wow, o.k. first off…..Jan dear, we love you and that’s all that matters and that’s the “generally accepted opinion” so there.

Arguing with Leslie is like arguing with my 15 year old son. She spews and spouts but stands indignant when it comes back at her. Childish. Rude. Inconsiderate. Cowardly.

Dear Jan, until Leslie has walked in your shoes she’s got no right to judge you in any way shape or form so delete her vitriol and bid her farewell forever. You nor any of the rest of us need her kind of shit.

*Now I’ll sit patiently and wait for my turn at being berated by “Leslie” for expressing my feelings about her, even though she so clearly feels entitled to express her feelings without consequence.*
Midlife Slices´s last blog ..I Will Remember
class factotum

Posted November 11, 2009 at 4:40 pm | Permalink

Jan, I think you are cute. I also think it is rude to comment on a person’s size. For what it’s worth, women of all sizes work out at my Y. Come on over: we’d be glad to have you.

As far as prejudice against fatness: I think it is less unacceptable than other prejudice because unlike skin color, ethnicity or disability, weight can be controlled. Oh sure, you might have to be hungry. All the time. You might have to take speed. Or ruin your teeth by vomiting. But you can control it. Look at third-world countries. There are no fat people there. It’s because there isn’t enough food, but they’re thin!

It is seen as choice or weakness as opposed genetic destiny.

PS A friend is married to a former Dallas Cowboys cheerleader. When she was on the squad, she ate one Lean Cuisine and one apple. A day. And then worked out for six hours. But she had a gorgeous figure. That’s what you get for 400 calories a day. If we did that to the guys at Gitmo, it would be considered torture.

PPS Yes, there are people who are fat because they eat too much and don’t exercise enough. But that still does not give other people the right to be mean to them or to say nasty things to them when they go to the gym.
class factotum´s last blog ..Blast from the past
Be

Posted November 11, 2009 at 5:01 pm | Permalink

I think you got your measurement in Worth and IQ and they both tip the scales. What nice friends you have here. BTW, I think the stripper made a GREAT contribution to this post by validating everything you said!
Barbara

Posted November 11, 2009 at 5:17 pm | Permalink

Jan, that was very well-written, and I am thrilled to see that you only got one flaming troll’s response, while the rest were kind and thoughtful.

Scientists are not exactly sure that our weight can be controlled. For those don’t believe me, I suggest you pick up and read The Hungry Gene by Ellen Ruppel Shell. She talked to a great many scientists who are working on the problem of obesity and frankly, it seems as what we consider to be conventional wisdom one weight control is anything but. Weight loss among quite a few people is not as simple as eating less and exercising more, and there are scientific studies to support the fact that it is a complex medical problem.

I am heavier than I should be. I have lost a lot of weight in the past year, and I have noticed that people who do not know me well treat me differently, simply based upon how I look.

It kind of bothers me that I am treated like a different person when the only change has been physical, but that is what has happened. My friends and family treat me the same, but strangers definitely treat me more courteously, and are more friendly and open with me.
Midlife Slices

Posted November 11, 2009 at 6:54 pm | Permalink

A Google search for Rochelle Royale is interesting….NOT.
Here’s her bio and I quote: “Fort Worth Bars Examiner”
“Rochelle is a dive bar crawler, laugh out louder, careful observer, good converser, quote stealer, wit competer, patio sitter, travel lover, excitement chaser, outdoors craver, vodka shooter, wine drinker, beer taster, and reality tv obsessor.”

THIS explains it all!!! LOL hahahaha……heheheh…….

Looks like she’s from Ft. Worth, TX and is 30 yrs old. THAT explains a lot too. Youth = knowledge. Don’t ya know. Ha!!
Midlife Slices´s last blog ..I Will Remember
WildAngel6

Posted November 11, 2009 at 7:46 pm | Permalink

For anyone and everyone who has ever been a victim of the Kimkins Diet Scam, please read this very important information:

http://saynotokimkins.wordpress.com/2009/11/10/notice-of-pendency-of-class-action/
WildAngel6´s last blog ..NOTICE OF PENDENCY OF CLASS ACTION
Irish Gumbo

Posted November 11, 2009 at 8:15 pm | Permalink

I sure wouldn’t want a lap dance from a skinny, angry stripper.
Irish Gumbo´s last blog ..Godl Slips
LPC

Posted November 11, 2009 at 8:50 pm | Permalink

Just had to come back to check. In case I didn’t say it clearly enough the first time, Jan, you are fantastic. And if this is how you feel, I will support your right to say it to the ends of the earth. And, I want you to know, that you make me feel a little better every single day. So there twice.
LPC´s last blog ..Getting Away For The Weekend, Nonchalantly
Smart Mouth Broad

Posted November 11, 2009 at 9:46 pm | Permalink

OK, I’m late to the party but Lawd, have mercy! Didn’t you girls have fun today! Jan, you know that I love you more than my luggage. And Honey, I have some bags. You continue to entertain, enlighten and inspire me daily. And so what if you sell yourself short sometimes. Your self-deprecating humor endears you to us all. Geez, you’re so friggin’ smart, clever and hilarious, if you didn’t struggle with your weight like the rest of us, we’d have to hate you. *wink* However after reading you for well over a year now, I know that you are very confident in yourself as you should be.

And Leslie, did you read this post? Did you take any time to get to know this woman upon whom you’re so quick to pass judgment? You claim that you’re not mean and yet you start your first comment with, “This is one big pity party.” I couldn’t agree more that you are clearly just looking for some attention. I guess you found it because when it comes to Jan, you are way out of your league. And you better believe that we have her back.

Respectfully………………bite me.

SMB
Smart Mouth Broad´s last blog ..AUNT MARTHA, CHILDBIRTH, MENOPAUSE AND NOW THIS….
Be

Posted November 11, 2009 at 9:58 pm | Permalink

I have a last word (or two) here:

Hey listen here
I’ve got mortgages and homes
I got stiffness in my bones
Ain’t no beauty queens in this locality (I tell you)
Oh but I still get my pleasure
Still got my greatest treasure
Hey big woman you gonna make a big man of me
Now get this

Oh (I know) you gonna take me home tonight (please)
Oh down beside that red firelight
Oh you gonna let it all hang out
Fat bottomed girls you make the rockin’ world go round
Yeah
Stacy (the Random Cool Chick)

Posted November 11, 2009 at 11:20 pm | Permalink

Jan, I adore you. After this post? Even more so. I’ve never been one of the ’skinny girls’ – my boobs are too big and my hips too curvy. You ROCK!
Stacy (the Random Cool Chick)´s last blog ..Wordless/Wordful Wednesday – Veterans Day
Di

Posted November 11, 2009 at 11:29 pm | Permalink

Damn… I’m always the last to know when some *itch is picking on one of my favorite bloggers…. The blogging world loves Jan, Leslie…. as well as TwentyFour@Heart so go eat your sour grapes somewhere else.
Di´s last blog ..Sam and Scooby Dooby Ruby Giveaway
Pseudo

Posted November 12, 2009 at 12:17 am | Permalink

Checking in to watch your back Hawaii time Jan. I’ll take the night shift. {{{{{HUGS}}}}}Pseudo
Pseudo´s last blog ..Traveling Thursday: Going to Hana Maui
Lori

Posted November 12, 2009 at 1:28 am | Permalink

I came back here at the end of my night to be reminded of your words here today. It’s even better then what I remembered from this morning.

And then I start reading the comments and holy shit the party is at your house tonight! I am really sorry that someone came and tried to take away from your courageous honest post today. I even went back and read your post again…I don’t find a pity party here…not even close. I think it took a hell of a lot of courage for you to admit your feelings about all of this. You stood up for a truth that doesn’t get talked about.
And I’m prouder then hell of you for this!

As I read your Beloved comments it warmed my heart to it’s core. I think I love your husband even more after today.

Blessings to you my dear friend. I love you and think you are the best! XXOO Lori

PS When are you starting your own cooking show? Cookbook?
Lori´s last blog ..Randomness
Carla

Posted November 12, 2009 at 9:35 am | Permalink

Loved the post Jan. Arlington Texas has your back!
Ginger

Posted November 12, 2009 at 12:48 pm | Permalink

HOLY COW, Woman!! I’m gone for one day and THIS happens??!! Sorry I’m late for the party, but you sure know how to throw them!!
First of all, let me say along with (almost) everyone else, what a thoughtful, courageous, intelligent post. Not one ounce of “pity party” and honey, as you know, I’m southern so I’d recognize a pity party from a mile off.
Second, you know you’re hot, girl! Damn! A bit on the “pleasantly plump” side, but SO WHAT??!! My oldest son ADORES plump girls, thinks skinny ones are ugly, and it’s a good thing, or I’d not have the most woderful daughter-in-law in the whole world. (Trust me, this girl is a gift straight from God to me!) As they say, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Third, I think all us women think we’re fat. Or stupid. Or flat chested. Or too busty. Or our nose is too big. Or our ears. Or our hair is awful. Or ALL of the above! But I’ve noticed that we do eventually get to “that certain age” when these things start to matter less and less. I’m finally there, and I’m loving it.
Lastly, to that girl Leslie… Leslie, honey, were you raised in a barn? Didn’t your mamma teach you any manners? Have you ever heard of “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all?” You just don’t waltz into someones blog slingin’ insults and gettin’ your panties all up in a wad! It’s just not DONE, OK? SO if you can’t be polite, you really ought to stay home.
Ginger´s last blog ..Captured: My Real Life
Raven

Posted November 12, 2009 at 1:53 pm | Permalink

Thank you for this post! I need to lose a lot, a lot of weight and I’m so tired of being called names, and told I’m ugly, disgusting,lazy, etc. It’s like if you’re fat people think you deserve all that ridicule, like you have some major character flaw or weakness that justifies their prejudice and hatred.

You are a good person, a fantastic person, regardless of what you weigh. You have so many good qualities, I couldn’t even list them all here, and I am glad to say that I ‘know’ you.

And btw, your mother and my mother should get together and go bowling.

Also, all the skinny, 5 lb-loser women at Weight Watchers can bite me.
Melissa

Posted November 13, 2009 at 8:29 am | Permalink

I am SO glad I found your blog.

I have been fat (yes, I said it, it’s a description, not a 4-letter epithet) basically my whole life. I remember my mother telling me about a doctor who berated me, reduced me to tears, for being five pounds overweight. This happened when I was *four*. And all of this intense focus on my body has brought me to where I am today — a very large woman who has spent far too much time and energy trying to be something that God didn’t intend her to be (i.e. thin).

Have I made poor choices? Of course, but I don’t think that those who are naturally thin could say any different.

This past week I’ve gotten back into exercising more regularly (we have a Y membership so that we can take advantage of the programming for DD). I happened to meet a nice woman there whose daughter is in the same class as mine. She’s a small, pretty thing who marvels at the fact that I can work out longer on the elliptical machine than she can.

As for those who would laugh? They can bite my fat butt.
Melissa´s last blog ..The Small Stuff
Kate

Posted November 13, 2009 at 7:32 pm | Permalink

I have struggled with my weight every day of my life since I can remember and was teased as a child. I know that it is something I will struggle with all my life. I am hoping it is building character or something good is coming out of it.
Duchess

Posted November 15, 2009 at 2:43 am | Permalink

Hey, don’t be too hard on the women who want to lose five pounds. In some ways they are suffering from the same thing you are — the current cultural preference for a shape that simply is unattainable for the great majority of women.

I was told that I was a fat child and I believed it. My siblings believed it and taunted me with it. I look at pictures now and realise that it was ridiculous. But I felt fat and ugly and ashamed. I spent my teen years yoyo dieting. I was, in fact, overweight for part of my teens, but I think it was actually caused by a weight obsession and body dysmorphia. I never eat what I want, and I think, mostly guiltily, about every bite I consume. When I ran the London Marathon 9 years ago I nearly killed myself — I wouldn’t take glucose because I thought it would be such a great opportunity to lose weight.

I know I still have body dysmorphia. That is, I know because people tell me. What I see in the mirror is not a pretty sight. The only way I can judge my “fatness” is by looking at photos several years later. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like just to enjoy food…

I’ve been a member of Weight Watchers off and on, because I am always trying to lose weight. Once Weight Watchers wouldn’t let me join. I thought they were plainly insane.

You looked so pretty and sexy in the pictures you posted of yourself in the hot tub with Beloved last month.

What I am trying to say is that it is possible that people don’t see you quite the way you see yourself. I don’t mean that the prejudice you report isn’t real. I just mean that you might also be hearing things that your ear is especially tuned for.

And btw, do you actually eat your recipes? Because if I even read them I gain weight. (Sorry. Body dysmorphia, like I said.)
Duchess´s last blog ..A happy Halloween
Yvette

Posted November 15, 2009 at 9:09 am | Permalink

Well said, well said.
Jan

Posted November 16, 2009 at 9:55 am | Permalink

Duchess, I considered asking your permission to take this to the “front page” and making it a post of its own, but I don’t want to turn this into a “fat acceptance” or, conversely, “diet” blog so I’ll respond to you here.

Hey, don’t be too hard on the women who want to lose five pounds. In some ways they are suffering from the same thing you are — the current cultural preference for a shape that simply is unattainable for the great majority of women.

Point taken. You and Linda both reminded me this isn’t necessarily an issue reserved for women who are overweight.

I’ve been a member of Weight Watchers off and on, because I am always trying to lose weight. Once Weight Watchers wouldn’t let me join. I thought they were plainly insane.

You have to be at least 5 pounds overweight by the insurance actuarial charts to join WW, which is probably why they denied you membership. In some ways, WW was a wonderful experience for me the first time around (subsequent memberships were rather futile; this recent incarnation where you can eat anything as long as you stay within your “points” allotment does little for someone like me) – I lost a lot of weight and kept it off for a very long time. For the most part the encouragement I received was wonderful, which is why I stuck with it despite the faction of women who seemed determined to make the rest of us feel so bad for “letting ourselves go like that.” My point is that I faced prejudice and ridicule for my weight in one of the few places where you’d think you wouldn’t find it – a weight loss support group. Which brings me to your next question…

What I am trying to say is that it is possible that people don’t see you quite the way you see yourself. I don’t mean that the prejudice you report isn’t real. I just mean that you might also be hearing things that your ear is especially tuned for.

Thank you for the compliments about the hot tub picture; I look at it and think how damn old I look. LOL Seriously, though, I think anyone who faces bigotry and prejudice on a regular basis begins to expect it after a time. Have there been times I’ve taken offense when there was no need to? Most definitely! This very post is, I’ve come to believe, the result of one of them. But, as Beloved pointed out, there have been times I’ve been slighted and I’ve not noticed it – because he has.

And btw, do you actually eat your recipes? Because if I even read them I gain weight. (Sorry. Body dysmorphia, like I said.)

Ethically, it would be wrong for me to post a recipe that I have not personally cooked and eaten, so yes – I do eat them. Which is not to say I overeat them; not at all. There are almost always leftovers. Beloved and I work about two miles from our home and go home for lunch every day, and any leftovers are usually eaten then. The desserts often go unfinished – we’ll eat a piece or two and the remainder would go to waste if I didn’t take them into the office for our employees (the exception is probably pecan pie, because Beloved loves it so).
Duchess

Posted November 20, 2009 at 10:06 pm | Permalink

What you say about “anyone who faces bigotry and prejudice on a regular basis begins to expect it” is certainly true. I see something similar for a different reason. After 30 years — well over half my life — in the UK I haven’t managed to develop a British accent. So everyone treats me like a foreigner, and the people who don’t like Americans — there are a LOT, especially in Oxford, which is inundated with tourists — are fairly unpleasant. In those cases, at best I am treated like a deeply ignorant person (people are always explaining things to me). At worst they fling abuse at me, mostly without understanding that that is what they are doing.

Sometimes I stop and say, Let’s just consider what you said and substitute for the words “Oh you Americans always…” with the words “You blacks always…”

That is, making extraordinarily offensive comments about Americans is acceptable to people (in fact particularly liberal people) who would cut off their tongue before saying the same thing about a black person.

I think it is pretty much the same thing you were saying about acceptable prejudice in America. So I really do understand.

I am very glad that you did not put my comment on a front page! I think the issue is important, but you expressed it well enough yourself. I probably would not have even made the comment if it hadn’t been enough days late that I didn’t think all that many people would read it.
Duchess´s last blog ..A happy Halloween

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The Last Acceptable Prejudice in America

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About Me and Schtuff

My Schtuff

Old Schtuff

Midlife Schtuff

Not My Schtuff

Random Schtuff

Tagged Schtuff

Whoa!

Blogged Schtuff

The Last Acceptable Prejudice in America

This week’s Spin Cycle is a free-for-all. I am now putting away my soap box and will return to my regularly scheduled drivel tomorrow.

53 Comments

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